IRELAND: “IT WAS PRIESTS AGAINST BOYS”

Following 90 minutes of mindless abuse at the hands of the Spanish, several leading Irish players and pundits have confessed that tonight’s 4-0 defeat was unacceptable, and apologized for any uncomfortable childhood memories it may have brought back for anybody watching.

"We just got our pants pulled down, and…..I don’t know, I don’t want to talk about it." said Shay Given. "They’re Catholic too, so we thought there might be camaraderie through our shared experiences, but they were merciless. They….did things.”

Spain’s merciless decimation of Ireland, which saw humiliation from Fernando Torres and David Silva followed up by a spanking from Cesc Fabregas, means that Ireland will now definitely exit Euro 2012 at the first possible point, just like a paedophile exiting jail in a bodybag the first time he goes near another inmate.

Still, Robbie Keane, at least, saw some positives to take from a thoroughly soul destroying evening. “At least there’s still some things we do better than Spain. I mean, they didn’t even sing along to their own national anthem. No bloody pride, that lot.”

HARRY REDKNAPP LEAVES SPURS TO TAKE UP LUCRATIVE OPPORTUNITY IN NIGERIA

The dramatic announcement that Harry Redknapp had been sacked by mutual consent came at 3:37 this morning, with Daniel Levy tactfully deciding to give English journalists no chance to write about it immediately and force them to think about it for a day before spewing their blind anger all over the back pages.

When questioned through his car window early this afternoon, Redknapp was keen to talk up the job he’d done. “Well, you know, when I took over they only had two points from eight games, don’t know if I ever mentioned that,” said Redknapp while crudely signing autographs for slavering Sun journalists in a way that resembled a fish trying to use a pencil. “I think I did a triffic, triffic job to take the team where I got them after they only two points from eight games, and I brought in some top, top players after we only had two points from eight games.”


How could you not trust this man?

The gathered broadsheet journalists and tabloid fanboys quickly turned the subject of conversation to Redknapp’s plans for the future, though, and that was when he really perked up. “I’ve got a great offer on the table to work in Nigeria, managing their national team. Their F.A. e-mailed me last week to offer me the job on a very reasonable salary of 20 million Nigerian dollars a year, which after tax comes to 20 million Nigerian dollars, I think. All I need to do is send them £5,000 so they have my dog’s account details. It’s a top, top opportunity. Daniel Levy laughed in my face when I mentioned it, but really, what does he know about business?”

Rumours are circling that Fabio Capello may be approached to replace Redknapp, which might be the most deliciously ironic thing in the history of football, although David Moyes is also being linked, as are a few other managers that don’t look like wrinkled old ballsacks.

CHIQUI ARCE SACKED AS MANAGER OF PARAGUAY

ARJEN ROBBEN STILL CUTTING INSIDE AND SHOOTING OVER

The Netherlands’ preparations for their vital Group B match against Germany have been thrown into disarray and shambles as the Dutch FA confirmed earlier today that they haven’t seen star inside forward Arjen Robben since losing their opening match to Denmark.

However, an intrepid Hospital Pass journalist found Robben this evening at the Metalist Stadium in Kharkiv, site of that shock defeat and of tomorrow’s game against Germany, where he was still cutting inside from the right wing and shooting miles over the crossbar.


Like a monkey with a miniature symbol.

"He’s been doing that since Saturday night. He just never left the ground." stated a groundsman working at the stadium. "We initially thought he’d been forced to stay behind as punishment for such a wasteful performance, but when we came back the next morning and he was still doing it, we started to get worried. We all think it’s pretty tragic, but nobody wants to step forwards and do anything about it - he hasn’t stopped to drink, eat, shower, shit, piss, or anything, so the guy absolutely fucking stinks. The only time he did anything different was when he changed his ritual and missed a few penalties in big matches for an hour or so." During our conversation, Robben looked up to pass to a team-mate for the first time in three days, before quietly weeping to himself for a few minutes.

When approached with the news, Dutch manager Bert van Marwijk shrugged it off. “If he never noticed that the last game finished, maybe he won’t notice when the next one starts. And besides, if he really smells that bad, Philip Lahm might be scared to go anywhere near him, so that’s a bonus, really.”

GREEKS HAVE PROBLEMS WITH CHEQUES AGAIN

The Greece national team are all but out of Euro 2012 tonight after proving within six minutes that, once again, they can’t be trusted around cheques. A leading expert confirmed the difficulties being experienced by the country: “Greece are very, very poor. The football team is shit as well.”

However, amidst their economic woes, they did get lucky when one cheque bounced right into the path of Fanis Gekas to provide him with a simple tap-in.


Punbelievable Jeff.

EURO 2012 REFEREES TO BE REMINDED OF THE RULES OF FOOTBALL

Following some bewildering performances from a number of referees during this year’s tournament, UEFA have arranged for a dossier to be sent around to all the match officials outlining the basic laws of the game, in the hope that they will start getting them right from now on.


Kicking somebody right in the fucking face is a free kick at least.

Among other things, the report will confirm that:

  • Winning the ball in the air cleanly is not a bookable offence.
  • When an opposition player falls over of their own volition, being stood between them and the floor is not a second bookable offence.
  • Deliberate handball is still illegal, even against the Dutch.
  • While booking Fernando Torres just for being Fernando Torres is hilarious, try to make it less obvious in future.
  • Kicking somebody right in the back of the legs in the penalty area is a penalty, regardless of how many players are rolling around like sissies elsewhere on the pitch.
  • It’s perfectly okay to book Yohan Cabaye for persistent fouling, even if he does have really nice hair and cute eyes and a rugged jawline.

  • Around 80 of the dossiers have already gone in the bin because the majority of referees don’t know where their glasses are and can’t read without them.

    UKRAINE AND SWEDEN THROW UK PUNDITS A BONE

    In the final game to feature teams making their debut in this year’s European Championships, the nations of Sweden and Ukraine decided to band together and save the set of awful, awful British pundits covering the tournament from bringing any further shame on themselves.

    "Yeah, we were pretty depressed watching the likes of Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen struggle to say anything remotely insightful or interesting about a bunch of players they’ve obviously never heard of," stated Anotoly Tymoschuk, a UEFA Cup winner with five league titles and seven domestic cups in three countries that Alan Shearer wouldn’t recognise if he saw him pissing his name in the snow outside his house. "So we agreed that the only players that would be allowed to score goals would be people that your average braindead BBC pundit had heard of."


    Shearer was delighted to see Sheva looking so proud to
    represent his nation of Serbia or whatever.

    The scoring was opened with a three-yard tap-in by AC Milan’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic, formerly of Barcelona, Inter, and Juventus, a man that Shearer though was German or something until about three hours ago. It was homeland hero Andriy Schevchenko that stole the headlines with two headers, though, just four years after Alan Hansen assumed he’d retired.

    Over on ITV, Gordon Strachan was still too busy wailing about the Spanish taking so long to play golf to notice a game was on.

    RUSSIAN GANGSTERS ‘DEFINITELY DID NOT WIN LOTS OF MONEY’ ON GREEK RED CARD

    Following the sudden rise in incredibly rich skinheads around the St. Petersburg urban area, a leading Russian bookmaker has moved to quash rumours that the corruption within the European Championships has led to those in the know to win lots and lots of money betting on things that are very unlikely to happen, like Greek defender Sokratis Papastathopodopolodopopulos getting the first red card of the tournament.

    "No, no no, nothing like that," confirmed a spokesman for Fonbet. "There is nothing in our betting patterns to show that lots of burly men with guns placed distasteful amounts of money on this red card and told us our families would all die if we said anything. Nor did the same thing happen when this referee gave out any of his 167 red cards or 17 red cards in La Liga this season, when he definitely, definitely wasn’t on the payroll.


    I mean……fuck.

    When approached for comment, Carlos Velasco Carballo said he definitely didn’t spend all of Thursday night practising how to spell Sokratis Papastathopoulos, and we couldn’t prove that. He also confirmed that the UEFA rule book lists ‘winning the ball cleanly in the air’ and ‘being in the way when somebody falls over’ as bookable offences.

    An undercover Hospital Pass reporter followed a brand new Lamborghini belonging to one of the mobsters on Saturday morning and noticed him placing a bet of 500,000 rubles on Denmark beating the Netherlands by a single goal.

    SPANISH TO REMIND NATIONAL SIDE WHAT STRIKERS LOOK LIKE

    You stay classy, Jogi Low.