ARJEN ROBBEN STILL CUTTING INSIDE AND SHOOTING OVER
The Netherlands’ preparations for their vital Group B match against Germany have been thrown into disarray and shambles as the Dutch FA confirmed earlier today that they haven’t seen star inside forward Arjen Robben since losing their opening match to Denmark.
However, an intrepid Hospital Pass journalist found Robben this evening at the Metalist Stadium in Kharkiv, site of that shock defeat and of tomorrow’s game against Germany, where he was still cutting inside from the right wing and shooting miles over the crossbar.
Like a monkey with a miniature symbol.
"He’s been doing that since Saturday night. He just never left the ground." stated a groundsman working at the stadium. "We initially thought he’d been forced to stay behind as punishment for such a wasteful performance, but when we came back the next morning and he was still doing it, we started to get worried. We all think it’s pretty tragic, but nobody wants to step forwards and do anything about it - he hasn’t stopped to drink, eat, shower, shit, piss, or anything, so the guy absolutely fucking stinks. The only time he did anything different was when he changed his ritual and missed a few penalties in big matches for an hour or so." During our conversation, Robben looked up to pass to a team-mate for the first time in three days, before quietly weeping to himself for a few minutes.
When approached with the news, Dutch manager Bert van Marwijk shrugged it off. “If he never noticed that the last game finished, maybe he won’t notice when the next one starts. And besides, if he really smells that bad, Philip Lahm might be scared to go anywhere near him, so that’s a bonus, really.”
GREEKS HAVE PROBLEMS WITH CHEQUES AGAIN
The Greece national team are all but out of Euro 2012 tonight after proving within six minutes that, once again, they can’t be trusted around cheques. A leading expert confirmed the difficulties being experienced by the country: “Greece are very, very poor. The football team is shit as well.”
However, amidst their economic woes, they did get lucky when one cheque bounced right into the path of Fanis Gekas to provide him with a simple tap-in.
EURO 2012 REFEREES TO BE REMINDED OF THE RULES OF FOOTBALL
Following some bewildering performances from a number of referees during this year’s tournament, UEFA have arranged for a dossier to be sent around to all the match officials outlining the basic laws of the game, in the hope that they will start getting them right from now on.
Kicking somebody right in the fucking face is a free kick at least.
Among other things, the report will confirm that:
Around 80 of the dossiers have already gone in the bin because the majority of referees don’t know where their glasses are and can’t read without them.
UKRAINE AND SWEDEN THROW UK PUNDITS A BONE
In the final game to feature teams making their debut in this year’s European Championships, the nations of Sweden and Ukraine decided to band together and save the set of awful, awful British pundits covering the tournament from bringing any further shame on themselves.
"Yeah, we were pretty depressed watching the likes of Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen struggle to say anything remotely insightful or interesting about a bunch of players they’ve obviously never heard of," stated Anotoly Tymoschuk, a UEFA Cup winner with five league titles and seven domestic cups in three countries that Alan Shearer wouldn’t recognise if he saw him pissing his name in the snow outside his house. "So we agreed that the only players that would be allowed to score goals would be people that your average braindead BBC pundit had heard of."
Shearer was delighted to see Sheva looking so proud to
represent his nation of Serbia or whatever.
The scoring was opened with a three-yard tap-in by AC Milan’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic, formerly of Barcelona, Inter, and Juventus, a man that Shearer though was German or something until about three hours ago. It was homeland hero Andriy Schevchenko that stole the headlines with two headers, though, just four years after Alan Hansen assumed he’d retired.
Over on ITV, Gordon Strachan was still too busy wailing about the Spanish taking so long to play golf to notice a game was on.
RUSSIAN GANGSTERS ‘DEFINITELY DID NOT WIN LOTS OF MONEY’ ON GREEK RED CARD
Following the sudden rise in incredibly rich skinheads around the St. Petersburg urban area, a leading Russian bookmaker has moved to quash rumours that the corruption within the European Championships has led to those in the know to win lots and lots of money betting on things that are very unlikely to happen, like Greek defender Sokratis Papastathopodopolodopopulos getting the first red card of the tournament.
"No, no no, nothing like that," confirmed a spokesman for Fonbet. "There is nothing in our betting patterns to show that lots of burly men with guns placed distasteful amounts of money on this red card and told us our families would all die if we said anything. Nor did the same thing happen when this referee gave out any of his 167 red cards or 17 red cards in La Liga this season, when he definitely, definitely wasn’t on the payroll.
When approached for comment, Carlos Velasco Carballo said he definitely didn’t spend all of Thursday night practising how to spell Sokratis Papastathopoulos, and we couldn’t prove that. He also confirmed that the UEFA rule book lists ‘winning the ball cleanly in the air’ and ‘being in the way when somebody falls over’ as bookable offences.
An undercover Hospital Pass reporter followed a brand new Lamborghini belonging to one of the mobsters on Saturday morning and noticed him placing a bet of 500,000 rubles on Denmark beating the Netherlands by a single goal.
SPANISH TO REMIND NATIONAL SIDE WHAT STRIKERS LOOK LIKE
BBC DISAPPOINTED BY LACK OF RACISM IN HOLLAND-DENMARK GAME
There was panic in the BBC newsroom today as their lead story for the 7pm news, a feature on the racist chanting aimed at black Dutch players that the English media have been telling us will definitely, definitely happen, failed to materialize, leaving the show’s producers just half an hour to find another story.
"We were so sure that the baying, slobbering masses of that third-world country would lose their minds when confronted by a black person, because they don’t have them out there," confirmed a BBC insider that worked on the Panorama special on racism earlier this week. "We couldn’t believe it when they behaved themselves, almost as if they were English or something. It pissed our broadcast right up the wall."
The story that was finally chosen, a feature on flooding in Wales that was originally scheduled to appear third, was only chosen “three or four minutes” before the broadcast, confirmed our insider, who was open about the intense deliberation that took place inside BBC headquarters. “We tried asking Jake Humpries and Gary Lineker to desperately get a controversial quote about Rio Ferdinand out of leading experts on racism like Alan Shearer, Harry Redknapp, and Lee Dixon, but it just didn’t work. There was a period of a couple of minutes where we were ready to run with a story about a kitten that was rescued from a well, that’s how mad a rush we were in. It was only then that somebody went on Wikipedia and found out that it was Prince Philip’s birthday, which meant we could wedge that on the end and bump up the Wales thing. God knows what we would have done if he hadn’t found that out.”
The BBC have their fingers crossed that Jerome Boateng will get abuse in the Germany-Portugal game tonight, otherwise they’ll have to spend tomorrow’s broadcast talking about something really boring like the Spanish economy or some women in Syria being murdered or something.
JUNIOR HOILETT SIGNS FOR THE ’70s
Free agent Junior Hoilett, who earned acclaim last season for ironically being one of two Blackburn players that wasn’t absolutely toilet, has been linked with a number of Premier League clubs, but shocked football this week by signing for the 1970s, a decade characterized by mass unemployment, tensions between Iran and the USA, and disco. Hey, wait….
Hoilett, pictured being not shit in a Blackburn shirt: a rare sight.
The 1970s, which peaked in 1977 by winning the German league, winning the Intercontinental Cup, reaching the European Cup final, and giving us debut albums by The Clash and Sex Pistols, were said to be deleted with the signing, which was seen as a major coup. “Hoilett has all the makings of a star,” stated spokesman for the 1970s, Richard Nixon. “He shone in a poor side last season in a very competitive league, is still young, and has a bright and positive approach to the game. We are sure that he will give a lift to everybody at the club, bring the best out of our current stars like Jupp Heynckes and Allan Simonsen, and allow to keep the upper hand on rivals like Eintracht Braunschweig.”
Hoilett was unveiled to the fans earlier today, wearing a one-piece spandex suit and with permed hair; he was so overjoyed at the reception that he serenaded the crowd with a spontaneous rendition of Hamburg player Kevin Keegan’s recent chart hit “Head Over Heels in Love”, which was met with a mixed reaction by a crowd that, according to one observer, is “more into stuff like Can and Amon Düül II, especially since nobody here has heard of David Hasselhoff yet”
Bayern Munich fans, many of who were expecting Hoilett to sign for them, speculated that, because he’s Canadian, he probably doesn’t even realize that he’s gone forty years back in time.
ENGLAND PREPARE FOR EUROS BY FINISHING SECOND BOTTOM OF EUROVISION
England’s took another confident stop on the road to Euro 2012 yesterday, as they performed better than expected at the Eurovision song contest by only being the second worst nation on the entire continent, an achievement that many senior England internationals have declared they would be “very happy with.”
England were represented by the Indian-born singer Engelbert Humperdinck, who last had a charting single around the same time that England captain Steven Gerrard last had a good game, gave it his all with plenty of ‘commitment’, ‘desire’, ‘passion’ and lots of other ‘meaningless bullshit the English tabloid media like’ on show, but crucially lacked any kind of ‘talent’ to see him through. Many Eurovisions experts have already stated that the noted 19th century composer Engelbert Humperdinck would probably have performed better for England, except he’s German.
He also had a quite frankly beautiful moustache.
Several other nations were very happy with their Eurovision omens, with Italy’s 9th placed finish considered “obtainable, even if we’ll be much uglier”, Ukraine’s middle of the table points total “acceptable”, and Ireland’s finish several places above England “the least we should aim for”. Sweden were heard pondering aloud whether or not winning the competition meant that they had a shot at winning Euro 2012 as well, before the Netherlands politely reminded them that Norway hadn’t qualified, and thus wouldn’t be there to gift them 12 points.
An estimated 1,000,000 people in the UK watched Eurovision after switching over to it because the England-Norway game made them want to gouge their eyes out with sheer boredom.